Archive for March, 2008

2020 Texas Gladiators

2020 Texas Gladiators Title

For this review, I’m going to be taking a look at another piece of fine Italian Cinema called “Anno 2020 - I gladiatori del futuro” aka 2020 Texas Gladiators. Gladiators is directed by Joe D’Amato (who also directed a previous movie of the week, Endgame) and stars Al Cliver (Endgame) Daniel Stephen (he was in an episode of The Chapelle Show) and Donald O’Brien (Zombi Holocaust aka Doctor Butcher M.D.) as “Black One”

The movie starts out pretty abruptly with this… After the apocalypse, a 5 man band of badass dudes form the Rangers. While on a mission to rescue some humans from a mutant attack, One of the rangers, Catch Dog, gets kicked out of the group by their leader Nisus for raping a woman they rescued named Miada. Catch Dog leaves to join forces with a group. Nisus, on the other hand, starts a family with Maida and they settle down in a small village where he works at the power plant on a experimental form of energy. The village tries to start a new civilization, but have to fend off attacks from a gang led by “Black one”. When the gang invades, Nisus’s wife gets raped again, and he dies trying to save her. The remaining rangers are on the case, and Catch Dog is trying to stop them from saving the town. Can you feel the suspense?

Somehow, the rangers all have an internal tracking device, because they always know where to find each other, even after being seperated for an unexplained amout of time. When rangers “Jab” and “Halakron” get put to work in the mines, “Red Wolfe” knows where they are with no problems. After they get free, it’s time to kick ass.

This movie has taught me a few things. For example, after the atomic war, people play defender and russian roulette for fun (one of my favorite quotes from the movie is “what’s the game?” “loser blows his head all over the wall, we call it roulette”), and if you cause too much damage, and get arrested, you get put to work in radioactive salt mines. Note to future self: practice on your defender, and learn how to use a pickaxe. Also, work on abs.

There’s a good amount of in this movie, unlike the other D’Amato movie I’ve seen “Endgame”, so the story moves along pretty well, even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense most of the time. The sets and most of the vehicles from this movie were recycled in Endgame, but they seem to work a little better in this one. 2020 Texas Gladiators also was made first, so it makes sense that the recycled material looks better here. As for the vehicles, The ranger mobile (along with all the other 4 wheeled vehicles in the movies) are totally laughable. There is a truck that looks like a black UPS truck for chrissakes. The acting, on the other hand, is just over the top enough, but the main villian “Black One” really pours it on thick with the schtick - right down to his maniacal laughter. Also, the whole native american aspect that comes up late in the film is a nice touch.

While this is an movie, it also has some elements of . There are like soldiers that hold sheilds that are cutout that are impervious to weapon fire, and a laser rifle with no visible shots, just a phaser sound effect. Also, while I’m assuming this is supposed to be set in the year 2020, there’s not real indication from anywhere, except the title of the movie.

After watching this movie, I can’t tell what it has to do with Texas, Gladiators, or the year 2020. Nevertheless, it’s a pretty decent movie, even if you don’t know what the hell is going on 75% of the time.

Check below the break for how gambling is held in the future, and a look at one of those cut out shields I was talking about.

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Class of Nuke ‘Em High

Rating: 4

Class of Nuke’Em High Title
Our movie of the week for March 30th is Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986) directed by Richard W. Haines. Starring Janelle Brady (Teen Wolf Too) as Chrissy, Gil Brenton as Warren, and Robert Prichard (The Toxic Avenger) as Spike. Tromaville High School is less then a mile away from a nuclear power plant. One of the students at Nuke ‘Em High freaks out and jumps out of a window after drinking out of a water fountain contaminated by radioactive sludge from the nuclear power plant. The honors society has become a bunch of “Cretins” wreaking havoc on the other students, forcing them to purchase their over priced toxic narcotics guaranteed to give them a atomic high.

After a few hits off some atomic weed Chrissy is ready for a hot beef injection from her love Warren. He’s a little hesitant at first, but Warren gives in to his teen urges and they have a wild romp while a few of his friends watch. When Chrissy and Warren get home they both have wild dreams foreshadowing what is in their near future.

Raz: This movie is fairly cheesy, the acting is pretty bad, and the gore is over the top. I found this movie pretty hilarious and it is a great movie to watch with your friends for a good laugh. Drama, romance, revenge this movie has it all.

Sean: This is a film, and as such, it’s full of gory special effects, bad editing, cheeseball acting and it’s full of . Needless to say, I loved it. There really isn’t a whole lot to this movie, but that’s what makes it so great. Boy has sex with girl, girl gives birth to turdy looking worm, worm grows up and kills enemies of boy while almost killing boy and girl. You don’t get great stories like that everyday!

Raz: They did pretty good slapping together the monster baby. He was big, slimy, and terrifying, but I feel bad for the toxic puke turd looking baby. All he wanted was a little love, some friends and everyone just runs away screaming when he comes around. It is not his fault that he smells, or that your skin might melt off if he breathes on you. Just give the guy some love, be responsible parents. Take him for a walk, or go to the park.

Sean: One of my favorite supporting characters was the fat supervisor who didn’t want to shut down regardless of the situation. Such words of wisdom and colorful language that the silver screen has never seen, like “I don’t give a wet fart what you think”. What eventually happens to that guy is tragic, yet simultaneously fulfilling, all in one dose. I’ve had a few bosses like that guy.

Raz: I thought it was silly that smoking weed is what causes the honor students and some of the others to become freaks. The Cretins, formerly the honor society, are the local drug dealers in Nuke ‘Em High. They feel your goodies, then slap you around, then charge you outrageous prices for skunk narcotics grown in at the local nuclear power plant. I guess is a great fertilizer. Needless to say some of the students have some abnormal side effects from this radioactive chronic. Puking up toxic sludge is not my way of spending a weekend, so remember kids say no to drugs.

Sean: Another thing that I dug about this flick was that there was always music going. There was never a single moment of ambient background noise during the entire run time. Either it was the theme song, “Class of Nuke ‘Em High”, or the song that was at the party where they got their atomic high, or some other random cock rockin’ metal. Considering there were only 3 or 4 songs listed in the credits, and it only lasted 80 minutes, that’s pretty impressive.

Raz: If you liked The Toxic Avenger I’m certain you will like this movie. Although it isn’t as gory, the horrible plot coupled with bad acting is more than enough to have you rolling on the floor. If you like to laugh this is worth watching.

Sean: After all that, if this movie doesn’t sound like one that you should see, then you’re probably pretty fucked in your head. This movie has everything, boobs, gore, , people graphically putting their hands down people’s throats, radiation burns… the works! Just watch it already!

Check below the break for some pics and a badly sync’d video.
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Duel to the Death

Rating: 2.5

I first heard about Xian si jue (aka Duel to the Death) when I was watching a video montage of battles. Seeing the over the top supernatural battles on that video - I knew I had to find this movie and watch the whole thing. The story is quite simple. You have two warriors - one from , Ching Wan a master of some Shaolin style, and Kada Hashimot a from . For centuries and would have their best warriors fight in a “ to the Death” every ten years. Ching Wan begins to have second thoughts about the . While he’s contemplating going through with the battle, sends in a ninja regiment to steal Chinese secrets and to throw the battle. In the end Ching and Kada in a literarly earth shattering battle.

In the beginning you start off with a ninja assault on a Chinese temple. Ching Wan anxious to test his skill literarly flies out to fend of the . The battles get crazier after this initial battle, only to climax with the of the decade. All of the battles in this movie are fairly over the top, but the story gets slow and a little confusing as the movie progresses. Ching and Kada meet in preparation for the and then they part ways for a bit. Why? I’m not sure because I didn’t pay attention. The only times I actually paid attention to was when steel was clashing with steel. This movie is worth watching for the intense battles, but the story behind it… yeah, not so much. I’ve watched this movie a few times and every time I tell myself that I’m going to pay attention to this whole movie, but the story loses me every time.

This movie gets fairly cheesy and boring at points, but you can’t beat giant stripper , graphic dismemberments, and people exploding. I would recommend this movie for the fights, but if the story starts to slow down, you should just fast forward to the next fight scene.

For a clip of a battle with a giant stripper ninja, check below the break…

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DeathStalker II

Rating: 3

Deathstalker II title

DeathStalker II (1987) is an / comedy from the mind of Jim Wynorski, who was also the helm of the previously reviewed Chopping Mall. Deathstalker II is set in a world and it has a similar feeling to movies like Conan or The Beastmaster, but in the cheesy dimension instead of the serious. John Terlesky (Chopping Mall) stars as the title character, “Deathstalker” who is a thief that specializes in the wealth distribution witness - which is he takes from the rich and keeps it. While Deathstalker is engaged in exploits of his own, runs across Reena the Seer - played by Monique Gabrielle (Bachelor Party). Reena tells Deathstalker that his destiny is to save a princess in a faraway land from an evil sorcerer and . Deathstalker takes the mission, looking forward to the huge reward waiting for him at the end.

I’ll say this right off the bat - this movie is acted poorly, and filmed poorly. Wynorski let’s you know this right from the start with the intro of the movie. That’s also what makes it so good. The lines are given so wooden and the is so ridiculous that you know you’re going to be in for a ride. You can tell watching this whole thing that none of the actors are taking this ridiculous thing too seriously, and that helps out a lot. They know the effects aren’t good, they know that most of these people can’t act. Everything get’s thrown together in a big pot, and we just get to have fun with it.

John Terlesky puts on a great performance as Deathstalker, always over the top, but still acting well enough to almost carry the movie. Monique Gabrielle, on the other hand is so bad, you can tell she was cast as the T & A to keep you watching - and there’s plenty of T & A to keep you going. The combination works out well, and this is a great movie to sit around with your friends and watch and make fun of and still be entertained. The DVD version contains a great directors commentary with both Wynorski and Terlesky that is hilarious. Unfortunately, the DVD is out of production and can be pretty expensive to pick up, but I’d recommend it if you’re into awful comedies. If and sorcerers movies are your thing, Deathstalker II should be on your list.

See below the break for the intro to Deathstalker II

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Endgame

Rating: 2

Endgame Title

This week for our dueling review and movie of the week, we picked “Endgame” or as it’s also known “Endgame - Bronx lotta finale“. Endgame is directed by the famed Joe D’Amato and stars Al Cliver as badass Ron Shannon, and George Eastman as the hunter Kurt Karnak.

Endgame takes place in New York City during the year 2025 where and scavengers scrounge to survive, while the elite occupy their time by watching a called endgame. Endgame is a game show that puts contestants in a where 3 gladiators take the role of hunters, while a single takes the role of prey. Ron Shannon is a tough as nails champion who has won numerous times, and he’s now become the prey. Shannon easily dispatches 2 of his hunters, and spares the life of a third, Karnak, whom he will meet again.

Shannon befriends a telepathic mutant during the endgame, Lilith, who asks him to help take her and a group of her friends outside the city so that they can be transported away. Shannon assembles a rag tag group of mercenaries to help with his tasks, and hijinks ensue.

Sean: I had high hopes going into this movie, as it’s 80’s Italian cinema, which is quickly becoming a favorite subgenre of mine. When I read the description of this movie, it sounded like a great story, and I figured it would make a good watch. I enjoyed the first half of the movie, and the endgame , but the second half of the movie slowed down and lost me a little along the way.

Raz: “Who loves you and who do you love?” Sorry wrong movie… Although this movie is not “The Running Man” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger they do have a few similarities. At least they do in the beginning. Endgame is a very popular televised game show in the future where one man fights many in a . During the broadcast the government starts killing off to ensure they don’t take over. flee with Shannon’s help and they run into all sorts of trouble along the way. This movie did start out quite well but I also felt that it started to slow down after awhile.

Sean: I found it really funny that they had these stereotypical sidekick characters. They had the big fat guy who’s supposed to be really strong and provides the comic relief, the karate instructor with the eye patch, and the asian fighting machine who’s named “Ninja” of all things. Why didn’t they just name the guy QuickKick or something? I came up with that in 5 seconds and that’s a little less contrived than ninja. I also thought the scenes were done well for the most part, and you could find little subtle things that were amusing, like guns that never had to be reloaded except at the most inconvenient times. There was one scene where about 10 guys are running towards the heroes and a grenade is thrown towards the oncoming group, then the next cut is a scene of a bunch of guys running away from an explosion. I also thought that they must have had extra potent bullets, because a lot of the bad guys were taken out by shots to the legs or one hit knockouts.

Raz: The effects in this movie were quite hilarious. I loved the part where the armies of “Darth Vader” men were getting pelted with Styrofoam rocks. Shannon reminded me of Chuck Norris, with his wild dirty blond hair and beard. Perhaps they couldn’t secure Norris to play the part of Shannon, but they sure did a good job finding a look alike. Another great aspect of this movie is the crew that Shannon rolls with. You have “Ninja” the kung-fu man, “Viking” the GIANT Norse strong man, “Eye Patch” that is dead on with a machine gun and “Dude” some guy that can catch and throw everything. With the exception of “Ninja” those are not really the character’s names, but they might as well have been.

Sean: The guy that could catch stuff was the best. I’d want to be him in if I was in the movie, because he’s pretty lame, and he dies quick. Also, you’d think the pirate with the eye patch would have a hard time hitting stuff, with his depth perception being off an all. Anyhow, I thought the movie was a little confusing, poorly edited, had a few laughs, but also lost me a few times - especially at the end. While I hate to say it, I think overall this movie is a pretty forgettable experience. I’m looking forward to seeing a few more Italian movies, and I hope they’re going to be a lot better.

Raz: I thought this movie was average. It had a strong start and kinda puttered out in the middle, but overall the movie was ok.

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