Well, I’m back. Yep, I’m back from my trip. Did you hear about my trip? I built a time machine that took me to the future. Boy, the future sure is rough. It was a dystopia where the environment was in some rough shape. People were living on the streets, and there were dryer vents randomly scattered everywhere making connections to nowhere, from doors to windows, from interior walls to ceilings. Shit, I even saw those dryer vents on top of cars for some reason that I never really did figure out. Fashion and cars were a lot like they were back in 1986, and the only way I could really tell it was the future was because I saw some people wearing these cool watches with calculators on their wrists, which were pretty impressive.
While I was in the future, there was a guy who was trying to help society and trying to help clean up the pollution and help out society. Right after I got there though, some cyborg or something tried to assassinate him by punching him in the gut, rupturing his spleen. he wasn’t expected to make a recovery or anything but he made it out ok. That’s what happens when you don’t have any kind of security or anything; you get your gut busted by cyborgs. I guess they identified the assailant as a guy by the name of Paco Queruak, and before I had to come back from my trip , it was reported that this Paco guy was making his living in arm wrestling matches. I’m not making this shit up. Come to think of it, the future was a lot like a movie I watched called Hands of Steel (aka Vendetta dal futuro).
Hands of Steel is a great low budget film from 1986 directed by Sergio Martino. It follows in a long line of great Italian b-movie cinema. Paco Queruak is played by the handsome Daniel Greene, who you may or may not recognize from his roles as Dwayne Cooley from the 80’s-tastic soap opera “Falcon Crest” or his most recent role as “Waiter” in Fever Pitch. George Eastman, who’s quickly becoming an Internal Bleeding favorite, plays Raoul Morales, a tough truck driving arm wrassler with a dirty mouth, who gets called out as a “loser” by Paco in a high tension scene. Also making an appearance is John Saxon as Francis Turner.
Wow, where to start with this one, eh? It’s possible to sum this movie up in one word, and that word is… GREAT! Everything about it is so ridiculous, from the jazzy saxophone music, to the cheesy special effects. The acting is just bad enough that it rides the line between convincing and absurd. Daniel Greene puts on an awesomely bad performance, and half the film he’s just staring into the void. I couldn’t tell if he was doing this to be brooding, or if it was because he was reading queue cards. I think it was a little of both.
The action is so over the top that it’s also excellent. There are shotguns that can shoot long range, and never ending amounts of ammunition. There’s also a bazooka like lazer (it’s so cool that it can’t be spelled laser) that shows up near the end that is so sweet that I want one for myself. There are also these rocket propelled grenades that shoot off of the end of a shotgun that look like little dildos – genius. A favorite scene of mine are when a couple check into the little roadside motel that Paco is living in, and one of them turn out to be a “perfect cyborg”. They get in this great fight where he rips it’s head off and it yells at him while he turns to leave.
The ending is so bad that it warrants it’s own paragraph here. The whole thing just ends out of the blue with the caption “IT WAS A DAY IN OUR NEAR FUTURE THE ERA OF THE CYBORG HAD BEGUN”… what? That’s it?? Yep, that’s it, and it’s fucking glorious. This is the perfect bad movie, and this should be the template from which all bad action movies should be made.