Cocaine Cowboys

One of the more major sentiments I’ll take away from the 80’s is “Say no to drugs.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d think the only reason that Jack Palance appears in this movie is probably because he needed the money to buy more fucking blow. Palance plays Raphael the manager of an unnamed band in Ulli Lommel‘s cautionary tale of crossing Columbian drug dealers or mobsters or some other shit in the 1979 film Cocaine Cowboys.

I never thought I\'d see Ron Jeremy and Jack Palance sitting down drinking wine together.I’ll try to make as much sense of this as I can, considering it didn’t really make much sense to me, and I spent and hour and a half watching this abortion. Some unnamed up and coming band decides it can earn some money and get some party favors in the process if they fly a plane up from Columbia filled with 20 kilos of cocaine. When they try to land with the cocaine at their compound in Montaulk, NY there are cops waiting for them so they decide to ditch it on the coast near the compound instead. When some of the band members – minutes later – ride up on horseback try to retrieve the coke, it’s gone, and they’re left wondering where it went.

Days pass and the band is still wandering around trying to find their dope, and then the big hairy Ron Jeremy hedgehog looking guy who loaned them the money comes calling for his payment. They have to keep stalling him, but he’s got some mob connections and he wants his money, and he doesn’t mind taking everyone out to get it. From what I can tell, the movie is told through an interview with Andy Warhol (yeah… THE Andy Warhol), as if all of this has already happened. You find out later in the film that the interviews lead you up to a point in the movie, and then they continue along with the story. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with these interviews, all I know is that they interrupt the movie intermittently throughout.

OH ANDY!If the film isn’t being interrupted by an interview, the movie is filled with either some douchebags apeing like they’re rockstars, or the same douches running around on the rocky coast of Montaulk, NY – either on foot or horseback, or the angry mobsters that are calling to get their money or coke for 65 of the 91 minutes. The songs are horrible. Tom Sulivan (playing Dustin, the leader of the nameless band) tries as hard as he can to pull off a rockstar vibe, but the whole time you just want to bash his stupid smug face in.

The acting in this movie for the most part is passable, but there’s too much of the horrible band performing to really notice more than 3 people during the entire film. Palance does have some of the best lines in the film, including “You little jerk. You tell anybody you’re my manager again, I’ll jive your ass the hell out of here” and other hits like “Untie that sonofabitch!”

You can tell those weights are helping.While you’d think since this is a movie about a band, the music would be somewhat tolerable. Unfortunately, you’d be very sadly mistaken. The songs are horrible, and I believe that they’re written by Sulivan himself. This must have been his idea to try to launch his singing career, but it’s a miserable failure, as all the music fucking blowz. The score on the other hand, that’s another story. Saying the score sounds like a retard banging on a piano would be an insult to retards, this is more like some subhumanoid who’s never heard a harmony in it’s life is tickling the ivories.

I really don’t think anything could save this movie. I told myself I’d never give anything less than 1 star, but this is the exception to the rule. This gives bad cinema a bad name, as it’s just all around awful. If I had a copy of this movie lying around my house and I was all out of toilet paper, I wouldn’t use this to wipe the fecal matter out of my asscrack, it’s that bad.

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