When I moved into my new house, there were a lot of things I had to get used to. The house seemed to make creaking noises at all hours, and we had some leaking in our basement when it rained pretty heavily. We got some of those things fixed, but I couldn’t image what I’d do if there were sporadic thunderstorms in my house, and shit just started bursting into flames for no reason. Too bad Bill and Louise seem to have to put up with crap like that on a daily basis in Bart La Rue‘s 1979 film Satan War.
A newlywed couple move into the house of their dreams, and they can’t believe that they got it at such a reasonable price! They wonder what must be wrong with it for them to be able to get it so cheap, and after they complete their move, they start to find out what the problem is.
After they put a cross from their wedding cake up on the wall, it immediately starts to turn itself upside down and when they notice that it’s inverted, it flies off of the wall. They also have some problems with the appliances and cupboard. It seems that they have this annoying habit of oozing out turdy brown chunks, or a gloppy blue slop, both which stink to high heaven. It’s easy enough to clean up, but the noxiousness of it drives them out of the house until it can be cleaned up.
A lot of fruity shit happens besides that though, like a chair in the kitchen that seems to break Louise’s hip every time it flies out from under the table, or the aforementioned thunderstorms. Louise is even molested repeatedly by some unseen force whenever she’s wearing skimpy clothes. Thankfully, their friend with some kind of psychic abilities comes over, sits on their couch and basically let’s them know “Yep, this shit is haunted, yo. Don’t make them angry and shit”… Thanks Captain Fucking Obvious.
I was able to get a copy of a VHS transfer of this film and after watching it, I can guess why this isn’t available on DVD. It’s rotten. More rotten than the turdy ooze. I’ve seen more charisma from a kitchen set at IKEA, and it’s so over the top of the top. For instance, whenever Loise gets hit by the possessed chair in the kitchen, or gets touched in the naughty place by the ghost she practically throws herself against the wall and wails for her husband. Bill isn’t much better. I think they could show a sawhorse on camera and have someone talk off camera and it might have made a better impact. The “mystical” friend is about the best of the bunch, and she just looks up to the left and right and holds her hands out. She’s only around for about 10 minutes before she can’t stomach any more screen time and she scurries out of the picture.
Whenever Bill hears something suspicious in the house, and goes to investigate he always grabs his handy pistol out of the top drawer of his nightstand. Then he stalks around the house in the dark with the fucking thing cocked, instead of just turning on the lights and checking out what the problem is. The ghosts or demons or whatever must have some kind of control over the light switches or the power must not work when it gets dark outside or something.
The music consists of about the same 4 notes over and over again, droning on in the background until it actually interferes with your ability to hear the actors. They use it at the beginning to build suspense, but by the time everything is said and done, they’ve played it so often that it’s practically beating you over the head.
One other thing they like to show at any opportunity to waste time is the cross inverted on the wall. You’d think by about 30 minutes into the film, the couple would be used to seeing the stupid cross upside down since it’s spinning around like the wheel on a game of life boardgame.
So, to sum it up, if you’re into boring, droning music drowning out actors, spinning crosses and bad acting/direction, then you should spend the time necessary finding this film. If not, you should leave Bill and Louise with the ghosts or the boogymen or something, and save your time and money on this one.