It’s the last day of the year 2008, and this marks the first year that we’ve been reviewing films. Well, it hasn’t been a full year – we started this current incarnation of the website on March 8th, 2008 with our first review of Larry Cohen’s “The Stuff” (note to ourselves – review more Larry Cohen films!). Anyhow, since it’s the end of the year, we figured if you really wanted to you could browse around the site and look at all the stuff we’ve covered, but if you’re the lazy type like us, this condensed view of some of our highlights and lowlights might be right up your alley. In this post you’ll find some clips and summary of our highest rated films and lowest. So… without further adieu, let’s get on with the show:
First up are some of the worst movies we watched and reviewed this year, of which there are a few. While they are few and far between, there have been 3 that have gotten the golden turd – a 1/2 star rating. These have probably been the least enjoyable films we’ve had the displeasure of watching, and I can safely say that so far every Godfrey Ho movie (besides Undefeatable, which I’ll talk about later) will probably fit into this category automatically – in fact, there’s one in this list, so let’s kick it off there with:
The Worst of the Worst in 2008
Zombie Vs. Ninja
Zombie Vs. Ninja… sounds pretty cool right? You’d think it would have something to do with zombies and ninjas running around fighting each other, cutting heads off, eating brains, hiding in shadows, shambling around, and all sorts of other cool stuff, right? Sorry charlie, you’d be sadly mistaken. In fact, you’d probably cry once you figured out what the hell was going on. This is one of many Godfrey Ho movies where he takes scenes from separate movies and tries to fuse them together by some means of black magic to create one solid film out of it. Yeah, that doesn’t happen. The solid film ends up like runny diarrhea – it just ends up stinking and you’re embarrassed. In this one a guy’s dad is killed, and he ends up being taken in by the local mortician who teaches him to fight by training him against robotic zombietards. Then, a ninja fights another ninja and decides to help out the orphan but never appears with him in a single scene, even when they’re talking to each other about their plans of revenge. They don’t even appear against the same backgrounds people… It’s pretty obvious that they’re in two different movies that were spliced together. This whole thing is bad news all around.
The story of an up and coming rock and roll band that figures it would be a pretty cool idea to just import their own coke instead of paying the exorbitant prices laid out by their dealer. Hey, maybe they can make some profit too, right? “Let’s fly 20 kilos of coke from columbia, and avoid customs by dropping it into the lake near our rural retreat!” Sounds like a good idea, until it all gets crapped up and they end up losing all the drugs. Meanwhile some mobsters or Columbian drug lords or something want their money or they want blood. It would be a pretty short movie if they got their money, so you can guess what they got instead. This movie was so bad that I seriously have to think that either Jack Palance had a serious drug problem and he needed to pay off his dealer, or he owed someone a huge favor. Not only is this movie bad, but it’s probably one of the worst performances of his career. The fact that no one has heard of this crap is no wonder. I’d be trying to hide it if I made it, too. One redeeming thing is if you’re an Andy Warhol fan, he’s in the movie interviewing the band and Palance. They had to throw him a bone though, because they’re actually using his house as the filming location (now there’s a fun fact for you about Cocaine Cowboys).
War of the Dead
So, Nazi zombies are trying to take out their revenge on old veterans from WW2, and Special Agent Kelly Conda is trying to figure out why. I have a clue, maybe it’s because these veterans were killing some Nazis back in the day, just a hunch I have. Anyhow, the zombies claim their victims by hunting down these now elderly veterans by sticking grenades in their mouths and splattering some heads on walls. That sounds pretty cool to me! Too bad this movie looks like it should be a porno, and it can all be summed up in the lameness of the opening scene. Let me paint the portrait for you: A vampire chick and Agt. Conda are martial arting it up all over some mall, and the vamp chick gets her ass beat, but keeps coming back for more. Conda blesses the mall fountain just seconds before the vampire comes back one more time to have a taste, and Conda kicks her into the mall fountain, turning her into a rising pillar of smoke. I’m sure in my wordsmithy I’ve created an aura of coolness in my description, but believe me when I tell you this one should be avoided at all costs.
Dishonorable mention: Lady Dragon 2, Revenge of the Living Dead Girls, Virgins from Hell, Satan War, Death Warmed up, Video Dead and one that holds a special place in my cold, black heart – Tales from the Quadead Zone
The Best of the Worst in 2008
I was agonizing on what to watch on Halloween Night after the whole 21 trick or treaters had come and gone, and the fates led me to this film. This had to be one of the few times that my instincts were right. Hack-o-Lantern tells the story of “kindly” grandfather who happens to be the leader of a satanic cult, and he’s brought his grandson into the family trade. When outside sources try to stop Tommy, the grandson, from taking the torch from his grandfather to lead the cult, those outside sources start dying off pretty quickly, and a mysterious masked perpetrator is behind the killings. Who could this killer be? Over the top action and under top acting along with some of the most hilariously delivered dialog ever lead you to a rather predictable and groan worthy “twist” ending. While the action, acting and story are all pretty laughable, one of the best things about this movie is the music video that Tommy slips into when he becomes entranced in his hair metal mix tape, where a black woman dances, shoots lasers out of her eyes, and eventually tears his head off with a trident. I didn’t even know a trident was used for cutting! Shows how much I know, right? Also, in the middle of the movie a comedian by the name of Bill Tucker puts on a such an embarrassing stand up routine that I didn’t know who to feel more sorry for – him or extras that were forcing out pity laughs for him. With that kind of emotion, this is easily one of my favorites that we’ve reviewed, and the comment section has been pretty lively for it too. The clip below is the stand up:
The Stabilizer tells the tale of an American supercop who is sent to Thailand to stop the evil plans of the drug trafficer Greg Rainmaker and his organization The Golden Triangle. After they kidnap a scientist that’s created a narcotics detector, Peter “The Stabilizer” Goldson is sent in to recover the scientist, and bring Rainmaker to justice. Goldson and Rainmaker have a history, you see. Goldson shot Rainmaker in an arrest attempt, and Rainmaker got back at him by killing his Fiance. One thing that you don’t want to do is mess with The Stabilizer! This movie was a non stop action fest, and has some pretty funny plot devices like a map that leads Goldson right into an ambush, and the awesome fight scene that develops from that. We had seen a previous movie from Peter O’Brian, the star of this film, but The Stabilizer is the film that started our rabid fandom of all things Peter O’Brian. He’s pretty much a god at this point, and if you’re looking to get into his films, this is a great starting point. If you’re looking to see a guys get killed by electrocution, or weed wacker to the face, or if you’re curious about seeing an Indonesian version of Mr. T, this movie is for you. Hell, if you’re into seeing sweet ass pictures of a ripped dude in a mesh shirt, you’ll be able to satisfy that curiosity too. Obviously, The Stabilizer has something for everyone. Check out this clip:
Hands of Steel
Just when you think the world has gotten it’s worst, there’s always a movie that lets you know that it ain’t so bad. In Hands of Steel, a cyborg is sent to kill an important world leader who’s trying to “green” up the planet and save the human race from itself. The cyborg punches him in the gut and and blows out his O-ring but doesn’t kill him, but he has to deal with is conscience and his shit memory. He runs out to the countryside/desert to make his wage doing odd jobs and arm wrestling truckers for cash. When his agency finally figures out where he is, they send out more cyborg assassins to take him out, which leads to some pretty humorous action sequences. The ending is a total head scratcher though and it’s summed up in my favorite way… A caption that tells you absolutely nothing. The sets have so many clothes dryer vents, you’d think the production raided a laundromat. The whole thing is like a more awesome version of The Terminator and Over the Top, and Daniel Greene puts on the most brooding performance of his life, staring into the void for what I timed out to be approximately 45 minutes of the running time, and George Eastman has one of the worst spanish accents of all time. Also, one of the actors was actually killed during the filming when his helicopter crashed in the desert, so that must mean this movie is good, right? Check out an arm wrestling clip, oh, and don’t call this guy a loser!
Well, that wraps up Internal Bleeding’s 2008 in review. In the next year we have some plans, and hopefully we’ll be able to bring you more quality reviews. Thanks for reading this far, and stick around to see what we come up with next!