As I get older, I realize the importance of getting healthy and keeping in shape. When looking for a gym or health spa, you want to look for the quality of the staff, equipment, and the extra services that they provide. The last thing you’ll probably think to check out is to see if the place is haunted. That’s the problem that they’re having at the Starbody Health Spa. People are getting hurt and it’s either ghosts that are hurting the patrons, or the high tech computer system that controls everything is becoming self aware and taking out all the paying customers. Or… They may just be dealing with a Witch Bitch.
Mike Evans (William Bumiller) is the owner of the Starbody Health Spa, and his brother-in-law, David (Merritt Butrick) designed the computer system that controls every aspect of the club – from the air conditioning to the resistance on the weight machines. A year ago, Mike’s wife Catherine committed suicide by dousing herself with gas and lighting herself ablaze. David was Catherine’s twin and he blames Mike for her death. He’s now doubly upset because Mike has a new lady friend so shortly after his sister’s death. Coincidentally, strange things start occurring at the gym and at first, people just end up getting hurt but soon they just disappear altogether. That’s when Mike gets a paranormal investigator involved.
Mike’s convinced that David and his computer system is behind these issues, but he can never catch him in the act. He’s also getting weird messages from his dead wife on his computer and he’s having strange dreams about his wife too. He hires Dr. Moray, an expert on the paranormal to come to the club and pretend that he’s an insurance investigator that’s come to check out all the weirdness and hopefully give Mike some insight on just what the hell is going on with his club. Add to all of that, the fact that the cops are curious as to why all these people are getting hurt or disappearing, and Mike’s lawyer and partner are trying to force him out of business and you have a recipe for disaster.
The story itself is pretty straight forward and there is no real suspense or surprise twist that you won’t be able to catch from the first 20 minutes of watching Witch Bitch (BTW, Death Spa is such a better name.) Some of the plot points are really unbelievable, but you can give a lot of leeway to a film like this. At one point there is a scene where there’s a Mardi Gras party at the gym and there are a few hundred people partying it up. It seems like every time someone gets hurt or killed or whatever during this party though, the party goers pay it no mind that someone is getting their hand chewed up in a blender behind the bar. This is an actual imagined conversation in the movie:
“Hey, did you hear that guy yelling for help? He said that the blender kept eating that chick’s hand even after he unplugged it!”
“What? Oh, sorry I was too busy grooving to this awesome 80’s music! Party on dude!”
While the plot itself wasn’t really all that entertaining, I was impressed by how bad most of the special effects were and how ridiculous the whole thing was. The first half of the movie was trying hard to set up this serious horror film but it didn’t contain enough of that vital horror element – death. One of the worst things that happens is that tiles start flying off of the shower walls at the women, slashing one of their faces. The second half, however, really got the ball rolling and a lot of people ended up getting killed and contained the following implementations of death:
- A person getting their skin melted off by some kind of acid in a sprinkler system.
- Someone pulling a gun on the ghost and having their hand explode
- Someone’s face getting twisted up by another person’s thumb
- A whole upper body exploding
- An attempt on someone’s life by burning them to a crisp on a tanning bed
- Another face exploding
- A sauna attacking a person
And those are just in the second half!
Witch Bitch has a slow start, and while the acting isn’t going to win any awards there are a few actors you’ll recognize, including a small part for Ken Foree, and Rosalind Cash as one of the detectives on the case. Throw on top of that, a whole lot of boobs, and you got a winner! If you’re looking for a weird horror movie that doesn’t really have any scares but takes dying to an absurd art form, then Witch Bitch should be right up your alley. Witch Bitch (aka Death Spa) is worth 3.5 dead wives out of 5.