I think it’s safe to say that the goal of this website is to find some of the funniest, off the wall, crazy, “holy shit, what did I just watch” movies out there. Sometimes you come across great stuff, like Undefeatable, The Stabilizer or The Room, and then sometimes you find horrible crap like Cocaine Cowboys, Zombie Vs. Ninja or Attack of the Slime People. And then… there’s Birdemic. Let’s take a look at our last movie of 31 Days of Horror, shall we?
I’ll try to relay as much about the plot of this movie as I can before I start to just bang my head against the keyboard repeatedly until the rest of this review eventually works itself out. Rod is a software salesman, and Nathalie is a fashion model, and they’ll tell you at every possible opportunity. Rod is eating at a local diner and sees Nathalie and recognizes her and follows her like a stalking psychopath to talk to her in his stunted manner. It ends up that they went to high school together and Rod didn’t have the courage to ask her out back then. Now, he’s a success, making million dollar sales of something to unnamed companies. He’s hoping that the small company he works for will eventually sell out to Oracle so that he can sell his stock options and become a gazillionaire. Nathalie just wants to model and not become a real estate agent like her mom suggests. After a few dates they hit it off and soon they’re sweet talking between the sheets. That’s when the story (or what I was able to piece together to call a “story”) hits the shits.
Birds are attacking! They’re flying in formation and hovering in one spot attacking people out of nowhere. Rod and Nat wake up to find birds hanging outside his window trying to get in, so they block the window with his mattress. A few hours later the birds “must have gotten tired” and have given up trying to eat all the worms in his fridge or whatever they wanted. They make their way downstairs to meet up with unknown neighbors Ramsey and girlfriend Becky – who help assist them in making their way out to a beat up old van that they can use for transportation. Since it’s unsafe to go out without a weapon, they decide to all stand back to back to back and defend themselves with… wire hangers. They wave wire hangers at birds as they make their way into the van where they then shoot at birds with an assault rifle and pistols. I don’t get why they didn’t just keep swinging wire hangers out of the wide open windows because it’s clear that the birds couldn’t get in. Now Rod, Nat, Ramsey and girlfriend Becky have to try to make their way to safety, and away from the BIRDEMIC!!
Alright… So where do I start? Let me just state this before I get any further in. I respect anyone who can write a screenplay, revise that screenplay into a script and then actually go through the whole process to make a movie. I’m just sitting here on my ass writing about one, but despite all that respect I have to say that this is the worst movie I have ever sat through. The acting is woeful at best, but I can bet that the actors didn’t really have much to work with. The dialog honestly sounds like it wasn’t written in English, then translated, then recited by non English speakers in English. Some of the actors do a half way convincing job of sounding natural, but unfortunately that was only the woman that plays Nathalie’s mom, and one of Rod’s coworkers. The kids that the group pick up are probably some of the worst, but honestly it’s like comparing a gunshot in the arm to a gunshot in the leg. They’re both pretty painful and given my choice, I’d rather not be shot, period. The sound is enough to make you pound q-tips into your ears with a hammer, because the quality from each shot – not each scene, but each shot – is totally inconsistent from one to the next. One character will say something that’s a little too loud, and then the next person will say something that is inaudible because of all the background noise and gunshots and bird calls will be at least twice as loud as anything else in the movie. The music is totally out of place. It rarely if ever matches the scenes, and most of the songs sound like they’re supposed to be in a romantic comedy. The special effects… man. Just watch the trailer below.
It looks like it could be a hilarious movie, but unfortunately it just isn’t. I don’t even think I could watch this movie with a bunch of friends drunk off our asses and enjoy it. I actually found myself getting upset because I could have been watching something, anything, and it would have been more worthwhile than watching this. The only Shock and Terror is that I sat through this entire thing. There are people out there that will say, “This movie is hilarious, and if you don’t think so then you’re missing the point”. I would almost believe that, but they try to cram the underlying point of the film down your throat with a jackhammer. The whole movie feels like a high school video production class tried to put together a public service announcement about global warming that just got way out of hand. If they wanted to make a movie ridiculous just for the sake of it, there wouldn’t have been so much thought into preaching to you about it, and it wouldn’t be put together so sloppily. And, one of the worst things about it is that you’re made to sit through 45 minutes of story that renders itself useless once you get to the part that was obviously the main attraction… The birds.
The ending was so welcomed that I didn’t even mind that it didn’t make any sense, I was just happy it was over with. It felt like they ran out of paper in the spiral notebook the script was written in and they were running out of tape so they just said “eh, good enough”. If you really wanted to torture someone, and I mean truly torture them – like water boarding, the rack, iron maiden or sitting through the entire Brian Austin Greene album – lock them in a room and play this movie over and over and over again until their eyes bleed and fall out. It will happen. Birdemic was a shitty way to end 31 days of horror, but it was unmistakably horrible, and that’s why it earns one of our lowest ratings possible, .5 dive bombing and exploding eagles out of 5.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror: [usr=.5]