Bitten

Jack, a paramedic working the graveyard shift, has hit rock bottom when his girlfriend dumps him for her yoga instructor.  Unfortunately, his life gets worse when he takes in a  injured junkie left  to die in a pile of trash by his apartment.  Taken by her beauty, Jack quickly falls in love with Danika as he cares for her injuries and sickness.  Soon, Jack realizes the fatal mistake he made when he suspects that his guest might be a vampire.  Blinded by his love Jack does what ever it takes to fulfill Danika’s needs.

I was really looking forward to seeing this movie because Jason Mewes plays Jack the main character.  It’s not really a secret that Mewes pretty much has one gear, and that gear is reprising his role as Jay in most of the non-Kevin Smith movies he’s in.  I was curious to see what would happen if you made a horror movie with the “Jay” character playing the lead.  Let’s just say that if you made Jay and Silent Bob paramedics and threw in a vampire into Clerks you would pretty much have this movie.  Unfortunately for us, Jay is a little more ballsier then this Jack character, so that would probably help make this a better movie.

Erica Cox plays Danica the vampire, and where she lacks in acting she makes up for in hotness.  She has one smoking hot body and is topless a lot in this movie (which helped me make it through this ordeal).  Through-out the movie all I could think about was how good she looked, and how much I wish she’d stop talking.  It seemed like they knew they weren’t making such a great movie, so they wanted to keep her topless most of the time to distract the viewer from how bad this film was.  While it did help peak my interest (and a few other things),  I found myself longing for more boob shots rather then finding any interest in the sad plot.

Bitten is a metaphor for most bad relationships.  Jack is broken up because his even though his ex walked all over him, he was happy cause he had a girl. Now, while he’s emotionally down in the dumps, he finds a girl that’s literally in one.  He thinks that he can turn his life around and nurse this girl back from near death – and maybe she’ll appreciate him and treat him right.  Little does he know, while she wasn’t just near dead… she’s actually undead, and he’s about to become comfort food to get her back to her old ways. Jack’s played the doormat long enough, but until he get’s the will to stand up for himself and do the walking, he’s always going to be the one to get stepped on.

I’ve mentioned it before, but the boobs were the only that got me through this movie.  It had its funny moments but for the most part it just wasn’t good.  I couldn’t recommend this movie to anyone unless you are a die hard Jason Mewes fan, or you really want to see some tits and don’t have the internet.  You’d probably find a better story watching a porno.  With that I  give Bitten 1 bloody hooker cast away in the trash out of 5.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GJQWTYU8hI]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *