Hatchet

When I saw Machete in the theater back in August they played a metric ass ton of trailers, they always do!  After the trailers they played their little theater introduction and then low and behold, another trailer.  This one was a little different though, it had that Grindhouse feel to it just like Machete a few years back.  It showed a monster of a man, the so-called new icon in horror Victor Crowley, absolutely destroying a bunch of people who had no idea that death stood right around the corner.  I looked at my friend and said “it’s a shame that’s just a fake trailer, Hatchet 2 looks like it would be great!”  But why did they skip right to number 2, where was the original.  A few weeks later I saw a listing for Hatchet 2 at that same theater, it was real… even though it only lasted a week on the big screen!  So I had to seek out Hatchet and find out what all the hype was about.

New Orleans, Mardi Gras, girls flashing their tops, and liquor everywhere, what could be better!  Ben (Joel Moore from DodgeBall, Avatar and Grandma’s Boy) has an idea what could be better, anything that doesn’t remind him of his bitch of an ex girlfriend.  He decides to leave his group of buddies and drag his best friend Marcus on a haunted boat tour of the Louisiana swamps.  It sounds like a decent way to spend the evening, that is unless your boat captain is fresh of the boat himself and has no idea where he is going.  So of course the boat gets stuck, and while one of the unlucky passengers is trying to make it to shore an alligator takes a big chunk out of his leg.  Luckily the quiet girl of the bunch just happened to bring a gun with her.

Marybeth is the gun toting Southern girl who is out looking for her daddy and brother.  They went missing a few days ago, and having heard all of the evil rumors about the monster Victor Crowley she fears the worst, hence the pistol.  Along with Ben and Marcus, she is joined by a couple of tramps (Misty and Jenna) who can’t wait to show their boobs for Shapiro, the so-called Director/Producer of Bayou Beavers.  The unlucky tourist dripping blood into an alligator filled river is Mr. Permatteo who has brought his tub of a wife along for the ride.  And we can’t forget the inept captain Shawn, who isn’t very good at navigating but is a terrific liar and not too bad with fake accents.  The whole group is ready to head home, but their night is just beginning.

Marybeth fills them all in about the story of Crowley, a deformed boy who lived in the swap his entire life with his dad until their house was lit on fire by a couple of punk kids.  While trying to break down the burning door to save his son, Mr. Crowley (queue Ozzie music) accidentally puts a hatchet into Victor’s head killing him… or so we are lead to believe!  But rumor has it after his father died you could hear Victor cry out for his father and anyone who came near their home wouldn’t be seen again.  It just so happens that the boat crashed about 200 yards from the Crowley house, and not believing in silly stories the Permatteo’s head towards it looking for help.  Thankfully they find it in the form of a hatchet wielding Victor barreling toward them.  Shortly after Mr. Permatteo isn’t concerned about his leg, since he doesn’t have a head to feel pain anymore!  His wife finds a similar fate, and the rest of the group goes tearing-ass through the woods!

The rest of the film is more running in circles, Misty and Jenna trying to out-dumb each other, Shawn peeling away more pieces of his fake identity, and Marcus making plenty of Chris Rock type jokes.  Each member of the group is slaughtered more brutally than the last until just Ben and Marybeth are left.  They are really the only ones who take it seriously and are smart enough to get out alive… or are they!  There is a huge cliffhanger ending, which definitely sets the stage for the next movie.

When it’s all said and done, Hatchet fits into the new category of gorror movie.  A film designed to show as much brutal killing, blood, and gore as it can possibly fit into 90 minutes, like Hostel and Saw.  In that regard it definitely hits the mark.  Plus Victor Crowley and the story that proceeds him are pretty scary.  But overall the movie is only above average at best.  The pace was really slow, and your main reason for watching it is to see which character gets annihilated next!  Still with all it’s flaws I’m intrigued enough to see the second movie once I can get a hold of it.  Crowley isn’t as scary as Jason, or as funny as Freddie, but I want to see what new ways Director/Writer Adam Green comes up with to murder people.   Plus the character of Marybeth is replaced by Danielle Harris who just gets my heart all a flutter!  Hatchet gets 3 belt sanders to the face out of 5! I bet you thought I was going to say it gets 3 Hatchets to the face out of 5… too easy!

Hatchet: [usr=3]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C33S_cqiJ8]

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