Uninvited

Spring Break!  Wooooo!  A great time to hang out with your buds and catch some rays, man!  Meet some babes, and maybe even get on a rich dude’s yacht to bust a hang and live the good life!  Just make sure that nobody carries on an escaped cat from a nearby high security military lab, because that would probably turn out being very, very bad news.  Wait a minute here… if this happened on your spring break, you may just be having a flashback to the 1988 film Uninvited.

Corey (Rob Estes) and his buddies are trying to figure out what they’re going to do on their spring break when they meet Suzanne and Bobbie (Clare Carey), a couple of babes who invite them to spend a couple days on a yacht with them.  When they get to the yacht the owner, Walter Graham,  and his associates Mike (George Kennedy) and Albert (Clu Gulager) let them know they aren’t welcome – they just wanted the babes for some partying.  Corey and company offer to work as crew for the boat as the normal crew is off on leave.  Walter agrees, because he doesn’t have much of a choice – he’s being investigated by the SEC and needs to get to the Bahamas as quick as possible before the feds freeze his assets.  If that’s not enough to deal with, right before she boarded the yacht, Suzanne brought on a stray cat that just happened to escape from a high security military lab (if you call a parking garage office a “high security” anything), and that cat is nuts.

When the cat is agitated or has to defend itself it… it basically has another smaller catlike thing that comes out of it’s mouth…  You’re reading that correctly – a smaller cat comes out of it’s mouth and that cat kills people in gruesome ways.  Mostly it infects people with it’s saliva and then those people pretty much blow up.  On top of their cat troubles, the yacht’s engine is busted all to hell, and the captain is the only one who has any idea about how to fix it… and by any idea I mean she’s seen a boat engine before, once, in a movie, and the boat had oars!  So to recap, everyone has to fight off this cat like thing that can kill them, they have to sit around and wait for the captain to maybe fix the boat by beating on the engine with a hammer, oh yeah I almost forgot, the cat has poisoned the food supply so people are going a little loony from starvation.  That sounds like one hell of a vacation!

Monkeyface: Ok, so I own a cat, love him a ton, but I can totally see Walter’s point about not wanting this stray cat on his yacht.  And then to make matters worse one of these poser douche-bags says that cats on a ship are good luck, nice jinx jerk!  And what a couple of sluts Suzanne and Bobbie turn out to be.  First they shack up with Walter after meeting up with him one night in a hotel, and then they go and invite three random guys to join them because they think Walter might be a little shady… oh really what was your first clue!

Sean: Hey now… hey…  We don’t know these lovely ladies are sluts, I mean they don’t mention that they double teamed the guy or anything.  Maybe he was just a charitable old dude that felt bad for these girls that didn’t have a place to stay for the night! Yeah, that’s the ticket!  I’m a real cat person, but let’s face it, there are only really two kinds of cat personalities.  The needy ones that want to be around you all the time, or the skiddish standoffish ones that want you to pet them, but they sit just far enough out of your reach so you have to go walk over just so they can walk a little further away and you’re left swatting at the air.  This one is a little of both, plus it gets into the food and F’s it all up.  Great suggestion to bring the cat onboard to whichever jackass made that call.

Monkeyface: It was such a huge stretch seeing George Kennedy play such an asshole when I’m used to him playing a big dummy in Naked Gun.  He actually did a pretty good job though, and an even better job acting all sick and shit when the cat monster gnawed a big chunk out of his ankle!  What was amazing though was that Alex Cord (Airwolf) didn’t have an eye patch.  Either he had some miraculous surgery or I got jipped all those years watching Airwolf feeling bad because he had one eye.

Sean: I thought it was a huge stretch that this cat was kept in a supposedly high security lab.  It was so high security that they left every possible door open and the cat practically strutted out the front door.  Plus it looked like a parking garage.  I’d be surprised if the place even had a front gate!  I loved how it got so far away from the lab though.  It hitch hiked a ride in an old beat down pick-up truck, and by the time he was done with the ride, it ended up looking like a scene out of the old SNL skit, “Toonces the Driving Cat: The Cat that Could Drive a Car”.   Classic shit, man, classic…  Also, anytime the cat was on camera, they had to dub in “Meow, Meow, Meow” like the cat was being shaken up in a cardboard box, even the the cat’s mouth moved probably one time throughout the entire thing and that was just to lick it’s whiskers or something – ’cause if the thing doesn’t meow, it must not exist, right?

Monkeyface: While most of the movie was pretty slow and boring, there were some funny parts, usually after the cat attacked someone.  As people would die from getting bitten by the demon cat or shooting a hot water pipe and get burned to death, they just kept wrapping them in white sheets and dumping them off the side of the boat.  At one point I said “where are they getting all these white sheets!”  It was silly and absurd, and probably was meant to be.  But there just wasn’t enough to keep my entertained throughout outside of the two skanks in bikinis.  So I can only give Uninvited 2 Evil Garfield cats out of 5!

Sean: I absolutely loved this movie.  The special effects were awesome/awful and the premise was just so ridiculous.  To me, it felt like the movie started out about this cat that terrorized people, and when the boat breaks down it felt almost like a disaster movie and the characters sat starving and thirsty wondering if they were going to make it out alive.  Everytime they thought they got rid of this monster cat, it just kept coming back for more!  Absurdity can be really hit or miss for me, and this must have just been the right amount of it.  I could really watch this movie 20 more times.  We’ll have to agree to disagree (except those chicks were pretty damned hot in those bikinis!) as I give Uninvited 4 “Heatchcliff get the hell out of my garbage cans!” out of 5

Uninvited: [usr=3]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI5MTNVkSuc]

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